the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
