apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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