is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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