my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
