im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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