oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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