Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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