I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
