So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
