If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
