He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
