Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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