i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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