I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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