i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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