Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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