Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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