My first STD was from a foam party
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
