Already got asked if we're dating
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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