Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
