I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
