(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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