3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
