the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
