Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
