Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
