soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
