And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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