yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
