i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I need moral support for this bender
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
