I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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