You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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