i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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