I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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