Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
