Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
