I swear she didn't look like that last week.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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