im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
