I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
