I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It was confusing and full of hummus
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
