Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
