She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
