So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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