I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
