It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Randomize
