last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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