Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
