I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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