I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
