im drinking this country out of the recession.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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