There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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